Bitch is talking to much, howd u ever get her 2 shut up?
It's worth it.
How worth it?
Back door worth it
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Randomize
