seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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