she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize