You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
Randomize
