No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
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