i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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