I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
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