So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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