I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
Welp...herpes.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
Randomize