There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
