So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
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