Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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