I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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