walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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