i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
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