yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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