My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
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