fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
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