her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
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