those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Randomize
