You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
