I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Randomize
