How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
Randomize
