I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
My liver is preforming stress tests.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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