dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Randomize
