I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
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