Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
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