Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
Randomize
