Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
