I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
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