my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
