a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Randomize