Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
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