Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
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