Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize