you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Randomize
