a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
