my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
