sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Randomize
