just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
she has a miserable personality but its a good think you dont have sex with that
pussy has no personality
Amen to that
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
