If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Randomize
