matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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