is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
I wish you could order shots online.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
Randomize