Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
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