I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
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