also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
