im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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