I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
where does the pee come out of this thing
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
