the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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