Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Randomize
