My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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