Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize