sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
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