He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
Randomize
