her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
