mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
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