All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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